As the Cam Newton Saga continues to unravel a new development has been discovered. Sources close to the situation in the peaceful town of Auburn have been made aware of the FBI's 15 year investigation into the evil empire of Auburn University.Eric O' Neill, not so ironically a graduate of Auburn University, has been the lead detective in an ongoing investigation that will ultimately bring Auburn and its "what fur" shenanigans back to its "ratful place".
What is "ratful place" you ask? For decades now, football fans of the University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa have believed that Auburn should never be on equal footing with their beloved university. "It just ain't raaat" one heavyset bearded man claims. We were requested not to reveal the source of this Tide fan but in general his three most important things in life are Bear Bryant, Crimson Tide football, and Nick Saban.
In order to keep the Auburn Tigers in their "ratful place" the FBI was called in by Nick Saban. Apparently unsuccessful in holding Auburn back himself, he had no other option but to ask for help. The FBI created an elaborate sting operation in which they sent FBI agent and Auburn University graduate Eric O'Neill back in time to spy on Auburn. While a student Agent O'Neill uncovered many of the greatest mysteries in American history. He discovered that Jimmy Hoffa was buried underneath Pat Dye Field at Jordan-Hare Stadium. He also learned that Elvis has been performing stem cell research on illegitimate babies in a lab underneath Langdon Hall. Another atrocity committed by this Land Grant University was uncovered when O'Neill recorded Jimmy Rane and Bobby Lowder having discussions about being involved in the assassination of JFK.
These facts alone would not be enough to destroy Auburn University. The FBI and Nick Saban would need some real dirt to destroy the evil empire. And dirt they found. It has been determined that Auburn hired a group of rouge coaches in the year of 2009. Led by Gene Chizik, these coaches devised a plan to rule the SEC. Their plan has been devastating to the SEC. Many teams have already fallen victim to the plan and the University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa is worried that they could be next, "Dees barners and dat der Cam New-tan or New-tron or whatever his name is, well they took rr spot!" It is not known at this time what the heavyset man with chew in his mouth actually meant by this statement.What is known is that Agent O'Neill has discovered that Auburn University is holding....Weapons of Mass Destruction. Gene put in place a team of sophisticated offensive gurus that have decided to employ WMDs against the SEC and have left nothing but losers in its path. Below is the evidence that has been reported to the SEC and NCAA. Death penalty will soon be coming to the Plains and all will be at its "ratful place". In a follow-up story we will address the critical role the lines played in this as well as the defense and the big bad Auburn fan base.
obviously this post is satire
